It's MAGNIFICENT up here.
Ideal country for tiring out small boys.
What do you make of it, Clegg?
What? Well, it's... It's HIGH.
And it's chuffin cold.
Moves you both profoundly. I can see that!
You believe you're feeling cold, don't you?
Any decent Zen Buddhist would tell you it's an illusion.
Any decent brass monkey would tell him to get converted!
Feeling cold, as I never ceased to tell my little chaps,
is almost entirely a state of mind.
How's YOUR state of mind? Perishing!
Even when I was married I never got...excessively warm.
My school had no central heating. Corporal punishment - that's the secret.
I'm more your rippling muscles...
..on a...sunny beach type.
I bet a lot of people don't know that.
Especially Nora Batty.
Just a minute, Tarzan.
Why's tha come to this river bank?
Well, I'll tell you why,
because I knew the sight of water would make you IMAGINE you felt even colder.
Tha's right. It did. I'm freezing.
State of mind.
I intend to prove it's a state of mind.
Could you do it soon, Seymour, before anything vital drops off?
As far as I'm concerned it's too late.
I repeat, a state of mind.
And, as the illusion of feeling cold is caused by the mind,
it can be overcome by the mind.
Possibly by even HALF a mind.
Phwertt!
Quarters I'm not sure about.
Get on with it!
Zen!
What's he mean "Zen"?
I hope he means... ZEN we can go home.
Zen Buddhism.
I'll teach you how to use mind control as practised by Zen Buddhists.
Oh, I hope there's not a written exam.
"How does he know all this"? you're probably asking.
I say again - How DOES he know all this?
Oh, talk to yourself, Seymour.
I still don't know what a zen is.
Zen is a subtle art of confusion from which we learn wisdom.
It's like trying to get a rate rebate.
There's a very famous definition of Zen as "the sound of one hand clapping."
How can you clap with one hand? No, no, no! It's a Japanese invention.
Half a clap ?! Over-population. They haven't the space for the full clap.
You only have to follow a few simple instructions. Coats off.
Off? Off? Certainly off.
Strip down to your shirtsleeves.
Has he gone peculiar? How would we tell?
Still huddled in our sweaty garments?
Chickening out? Haven't got the stuff?
No wonder we lost India!
Somebody's BOUND to find it.
I'd like you to look upon me not just as a friend,
but as the nearest you'll get to someone socially VERY superior.
I hate it when people won't do what they're told. I always want to give them lines or something.
We'll just watch thee, Seymour. Just till we get the hang of it.
Please yourself. See if I care.
They'll blame US if he dies of hypothermia.
If they want a report, he'll have to die of something easier to spell.
No-one's about to die of hypothermia.
I shall practise a little Zen
and demonstrate the mind's ability to overcome the illusion of cold.
Is that Zen, zen... I mean, then?
With his legs wide open like that?
Well, you can see it's oriental.
That position would never develop among a people with sensible underwear.
Headmasters should never leave school.
A decent, proper Yorkshire Zen would include nothing
that you couldn't do in braces and a flat cap.
Get your clothes on, Seymour.
Not when I'm just starting to enjoy it.
You really know motorbikes, Milburn,
but you're a muffin at floral decorations!
I'm not a FLOWER person.
I'm more your heavy metal.
And it's going rusty (!)
I think I dropped a pin or something.
That is MY impression.
Oh!
DO come in (!) There's no need to hang about outside.
It's warmer in here, Ivy. It's like the M62, an' all.
As if we'd built over the fast lane.
I'm not kidding. You try to cater for every eventuality,
but turbo-charged customers has GOT to be something new!
I'd like a turbo.
Tha'd never wind it round thee head properly.
You don't wind TURBOS round your head.
Though we won't say we've never been tempted.
Wait a minute, trouble comes in threes.
Where's the other idiot? Ah...
What's up with him?
Zen and the art of shivering without your jumper.
It IS very cold for the time of year.
He was out in his shirtsleeves.
We thought "Doesn't his Edie do his shirts nice, but with too much starch."
Then we realised it was SEYMOUR that were stiff.
Silly beggar! Though, she DOES use too much starch.
He was sitting with his legs open and controlling his temperature.
I don't want ANY details!
Did you have to explain it quite like that?
She'll think I was doing something weird.
I was there and I thought it was weird.
Excuse me.
What are you doing up there? Floral decoration.
Let me guess. Tha's a primrose.
With those muscles he's a WILD primrose.
Could someone pass the pins while I hold this?
What's your problem? In need of some technical supervision?
O-ow!
NOW what?
Oh, it's all right, Aunty Ivy, Mr Utterthwaite's found that pin.
See if there's any mail, will you?
I'm expecting a flood of applications for my new course.
You know what was wrong out there?
I know what was wrong with me, I was freezing. And me.
If you'll keep quiet I'll explain why it was so cold.
It were blowing RIGHT through me.
Given the number of entrances and exits, that's not surprising.
Basically, that's why it was cold.
The wind chill factor. The harder it blows, the more you shiver.
But I, for one, wasn't thinking of the cold.
You should have been, with your legs wide open.
Airing his views.
I was thinking...of power. ENORMOUS power.
He's going to invade Europe.
It's been done.
I'm not planning to invade Europe.
The power I was thinking of is the power of the WIND.
That marvellous free energy. And what WE can do with it.
Phwttt!
# There's no place like ho-ome... #
KNOCK ON DOOR
Can I come in? Good grief, man. You live here.
You don't have to ask. Wait. Don't move.
Stand on there.
Nice to be free to come and go (!) What d'you want?
I thought I'd just come in for 5 minutes.
Now, have I ever tried to keep you out?
I'll have a cuppa, seeing as I'm Master of the house.
Get back on that paper.
Master of me own sheet of newspaper (!)
Don't be funny. You're not a bad husband at heart.
It's just that wherever you settle instantly becomes a garage.
And you have THE most persistent fingerprints. I was telling Mrs Helliwell.
Is that what you DO? Compare fingerprints with the neighbours?
Never beyond the bounds of good taste. Sugar or sweetener?
- Sugar - You'll have sweetener.
Why ask me?
Because I believe in giving you the chance to do the right thing.
Our Seymour has sweeteners.
Which means they must be acceptable in educated circles.
That's about where he is.
Running about in educated circles. Ever-decreasing.
He'll disappear up his own diploma one day.
There is no call for coarseness in a kitchen of THIS calibre.
And at any rate, our Seymour always shows consideration
for one's polished surfaces.
And I'll ask you please to remember,
that he was once NEARLY presented to Princess Michael of Kent.
This first experiment is designed to tell us roughly what size of sail we're going to need.
Can't we find that out down there? Did we have to come up here?
I wanted to be sure of some wind.
There's always thee.
Take hold of one end and give Clegg the other.
That's how it starts in the Army.
"Just hold this" someone says.
Next thing you know you're bayonet fighting.
All you have to do is to hold it.
Unfold it when I give the word and hold it,
until I can get some indication of whether it'll be big enough.
Unfold it.
Ahhh! Ow!
That's beautiful. Yes, I think that'll be big enough.
I'm not sure I CAN still roller-skate.
That attitude's no good. You've got to be confident! All right, I'm confident I can't roller-skate!
As I remember, it was all right as long as you didn't stand up.
I thought you liked to roller-skate. You SAID you liked to roller-skate! 50 years ago!
It's like riding a bicycle. You don't forget. Right, thee do it.
Believe me, I'd love to! Do you think I like seeing you getting all the fun?
He does spin me some crap, that man.
How come he's always spinning so much crap?
It's like riding a bicycle. He doesn't forget.
It's true. I'd be in there in a flash if it wasn't for the social problem.
You can't have former headmasters flying about on roller-skates.
It's all right for the scruffs? They're tailor-made for it.
It's time you had a role in life. That's what I tell Nora Batty.
The skates are supposed to go in the same direction as your feet.
Tell them, not me!
G-Get out!
DRUM ROLL
Is he holding his legs right? I can't tell whether his legs or trousers are deformed.
It's me trousers what are baggy not me legs. I'd match these legs with anybody.
You're not trying!
I'm trying! I'm trying!
You're very active below the waist.
Always have been, No-o-orm!
But I've never known you QUITE so active below the waist.
Tha should have seen me in my prime, Norm.
Try a few steps while we run with you.
Which way?
I think if we all go the SAME way that might be best, don't you?
What a good idea (!) It makes you really appreciate how much sound planning has gone into this.
You just concentrate on your feet. For the moment, we want all your brains in your feet.
It shouldn't be difficult, they're half-way there already.
Mind the jacket. Watch the lapels.
Don't hang on the trousers.
HIGH VOICE OW! What sort of place is that to hold onto a headmaster?
You're becoming a good pupil.
You certainly made a big impression on your headmaster.
He's such a long prong. I thought he were never coming to an end.
I thought the school inspectors used to pry, but dear me, they never got THAT close.
Let's get this show on the road!
Now, once you get used to the skating, I'll let you have a go with the sail. Roller-sailing!
How about THAT? Don't let me go! Nobody's letting you go.
You're as safe as... BICYCLE BELLS
Don't forget to write.
You stupid, great ninny.
Stop fooling about, lad.
Now...
I say, look out, there's... Shut up.
I'm not listening any more.
I mean, th-there IS a...
Tha lies! Tha left me with them cyclists.
I should move if I were you.
Shut tha face. I'm taking no more advice or orders from thee!
MOVE yourself, man. It's a good idea.
I don't care. I'm stopping here. I'll move in my own good time.
Please yourself.
Look at the firm line of his jaw.
It looks like grim determination to me.
Badly-shaved grim determination.
He's just sulking. I think he means it. I think you've lost your test pilot.
You get these hiccups with the human factor. You can plan every detail mechanically,
then some human goes temperamental. Sounds like a trip to the Post Office.
I suppose I better go and charm him.
Hello, Little Pillock!
Charming (!)
Bog off.
I'm NOT doing it.
Nobody's asked you. Tha will. I know tha will.
You see? There's gratitude for you.
Why don't we forget about wind power, and go for a stroll?
Suits me, Norm. Forget wind power? Just when my ideas are coming hot?
But who's the one who gets burned?
I bet they said that to Columbus. Forget America. Go to Gibraltar.
I know that Columbus got the credit,
but I can't help wondering if there weren't other people out there looking for America.
Maybe somebody called Wigglesworth from Sheffield.
Maybe he even found it.
I can just see him landing there one misty morning,
with a good quality pocket knife and two whippets.
I just thought I'd mention it. Wigglesworth discovered America?
Possibly. He could have gone wrong leaving the Sheffield-Chesterfield canal.
He was aiming for Bridlington, but he was stubborn.
People said "You can't go that way. There's nothing that way but America!" But he wouldn't listen.
Wait a minute, Norm. Wait a minute. If Wigglesworth discovered America how come Columbus got the credit?
There was a big meeting, wasn't there?
Royal Geographical Society, Spanish Yacht Club,
the R.A.C.
You CAN'T give it to Wigglesworth, they said.
You know what Americans will say about dogs fouling their pavements, and there HE is with his whippets!
No, no, let Columbus have it.
Cor, I never knew that.
Well...very few people do.
But it weren't fair, were it?
YOU could be a Wigglesworth. Sorry, no whippets.
You've got your ferrets. They'd get seasick.
I could get you into the history books. I can't go discovering America!
I'm going to look a right twit, pretending after ALL these years, "Hey up, I've discovered America."
You could tell 'em it got delayed in the post.
There ARE other ways of becoming a footnote of history.
A wellynote. You could be a wellynote to history.
In the U.K., the practical application of wind power to articles of everyday life,
was the work of Sir Seymour Utterthwaite.
In his early experiments, assisted by Mr William Simmonite.
Heck up!
Mr William Simmonite.
O.B.E. O...
O.B.E.?
Quite possibly. Whose early death in tragic circumstances while testing...
Don't start him off again! Just his little joke.
Now, suppose I gave you some support?
He's going to give me a hernia, Norm.
He really looks after you. It's so touching it brings a lump to your groin.
Not THAT sort of support. Something to keep you stable while you're on the skates. How stable?
There'll be no way you'll fall down.
BLOWS HORN
GET his number!
Be quick about it, get his number!
WHAT are you doing? Looking for me glasses.
Didn't you get his number? Not all of it. I just caught a glimpse of something.
Well, make a note of it.
How much did you see?
I think it was a lorry.
OH, good grief!
HAMMERING
Did that bloke, Wigglesworth, really discover America?
I like to think so, and that he introduced Pontefract Cakes to the Apaches.
They were nasty, them Apaches. Especially after he taught them the Yorkshire method of scalping,
known to students of butchery as Short Back and Sides.
Hey presto!
What the Christopher Columbus is that? An egg beater. Seymour has invented a giant egg beater.
Very humorous, I am sure. Now, get hold of it.
This is your third leg, man.
Now you're a tripod. Oh heck, I'm a tripod, Norm.
Can you speak fluent tripe?
Lean your weight on it.
That's it. Now, get the feel of it.
I'll give thee wind power!
Phwe-ert!
Subtitles by Irene Noble and Hazel Nairn, BBC Scotland - 1987